Every cloud has a silver lining, but every rose has it's thorn!

So, I’ve been home sick now for two days. I have had a lot of time to ponder my current life situation. Besides the obvious, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, there are some silver linings.

• Nobody is telling me to stop coughing!
• I’m not feeling bad for tossing and turning and coughing and wheezing while my STBX is sleeping.
• All the dishes are put away in their proper places!
• Laundry is basically one, maybe two loads!
• I can eat whatever I want! Whenever I want. (I’ve lost 19.something lbs)
• My house stays clean, for the most part. (just don’t stop by today, since I’ve been sick for a few days.)
• I can decorate however I want to. Flower curtains in the living room and girly white frilly curtains in the bedroom.
• I have control of the tv remote!
• I can watch a full Seahawks game without being injured, the game being shut off, or my STBX being a big baby about how it’s always the beginning of the end, even though we’re only in the first 1 minute of the game!
• Bob Marley is back in my life. :)

Just to name a few.

But I have lost a lot. Here come the thorns.

• Sleeping alone. Don’t like it. Yes, I have Molly and while she is comforting, it’s just not the same.
• Garbage. I hate taking it out. And it’s just going to get worse once winter hits. Rain. Rain.
• Nobody is here to talk to about my day. Molly, Sheldon, and Alexa just don’t quite cut it.
• It’s quiet. So there is lots of time to get in your own head. Not always good.
• Companionship. I miss being a couple. (When we were a good couple, the last year or so was tough.)
• Intimacy. It’s just not the same alone. It’s the truth, and I know a lot of you know exactly what I mean.
• When you are sick, nobody is here to ask you if you need anything? Or run to the store for you so you don’t have to go in looking like a hot snotty mess!
• I miss my walking partner.
• I miss my partner period.
• I miss him.

BUT I know this is for the best. I know that there is something fantastic coming around the corner. I know that I will be ok. I will be better than ok. But for now it hurts. For now I’m sad. For now this hot snotty mess is just going to continue on the emotionally sadistic rollercoaster and know that all rides come to an end eventually. Plus, my tribe. I always have my tribe. That in itself is a whole other post.

Unleashed

I’m on a sadistic emotional roller coaster. I found out that my husband of almost 14 years and best friend for more years than I wish to count, cheated on me. But he didn’t just cheat on me, he cheated for 8 years with someone who was once my best friend. The devastation is unreal. My world completely crumbled in a single night. My future, rewritten. How do you move forward? You know the stages of grief? (Shock, denial, depression, anger, sadness, hurt, loneliness, just to name a few.)  You will feel those plus more. The loss is painful, it actually physically aches. It is excruciating at times. It keeps you in bed. When they say heartache they mean it. The sadness and hurt are unbearable. How could this happen? Why would he not just leave? How could he do this to me? Was anything real? How do you do this to someone you love? How did I not see it? Still trying to wrap my head around all of it.

Let’s talk about anger, it’s more like a psychopath level of anger at times. Like in the show Snapped but with Ally McBeal moments. You know when she’d have a sequence play out in her head and not actually in real life...the dancing baby? But in this case with a Snapped twist. It’s fine, most people don’t act on those. But they are really nice to envision when you are in the anger phase, but I try not to stay in this anger stage for too long. Then you may just find yourself on an episode of Snapped….IRL. I think revenge is a brother of anger. You think about all kinds of ways to get revenge. But then you realize you are actually a good person and perhaps the high road is the best path to follow. And maybe pick up dignity and grace along the way because you have those as well. That’s what separates you from the cheaters.

The quiet is so deafening. So incredibly quiet. So you turn on the radio, but you can’t listen to anything you used to listen to because it all reminds you of him. You turn on the TV, but there are so many feels associated with most programs. You settle on HGTV. This is good because you need to make your place “yours” and not “ours”. HGTV will give you ideas. But then Chip and Joanna come on, and they are so fricken cute together! You were cute together. Wait. Were you cute together? Was that real? Here comes anger again. I binge watched Friends from the beginning. I actually enjoyed it, until the lobster episode. Enter sadness. Back to HGTV. Property Brothers! Wait. When did Drew get a girlfriend? Tiny House Hunters it is!!!

Feel your feelings.I appreciate my parents for letting us have feelings. Some people don’t grow up that way. Your feeling are real, you should feel them.  Don’t hold them in. It will help you get through it. Yes, it sucks. Tears come so randomly and at the most unexpected times….it’s the roller coaster. Sobbing happens. A lot. It’s ridiculous the amount of kleenex you go through. And the snot you produce!!  I still don’t understand where all of that comes from. But feel them. It helps with the healing…..so I’m told. I am not healed. I am better, but I still have lots of feelings to still sort through. And so many questions that I have to accept not getting answers for, and do I really want them? I just don’t know. The lack of sleep. That’s wicked. It is getting better, but it’s still not great. It’s hard to sleep in a bed you’ve shared with someone for nearly 21 years.

Create a playlist. With angry songs to get you through. The “I will survive” songs. Listen to it. Cry. Feel. Make another playlist. This one with songs for your “new chapter”. Songs that make you feel good, songs that give you hope, songs that are empowering to you. Listen to this playlist. Feel the feelings, feel empowered and strong. Find your anthem. It will change. It will become a playlist too.

Make the place your own. Shop Amazon. Paint. Embrace pink!! Find your inner Goddess. Find your inner Warrior. Design a tattoo. Lean on your friends. These are women, & men, who will help raise you up. Who will cry with you. Who will hold you. Who will remind you that you are strong. These friends are your TRIBE. They are invaluable. They surround you. They love you. They will help get you through. You can do this. You will blossom. Start writing your future.

💔

Starting Fresh

I was going to create a brand new blog, but why change something that I already have going? However, in light of my recent life "plot twist" I am starting this blog all over with a new look. All previous posts have been deleted. I am starting fresh.

Get ready for an inside look to the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Did I buy a ticket for this ride? I did not, but I am on it. It is happening. So sit back and lets see where this b*tch takes us!

Muah for now!
💋