Sharp Turn

I hate this whole situation.

I hate that I feel like my whole marriage was a lie.

I hate that he still has power over my emotions.

I hate that I am the one who has had to step up and do everything that has to be done to get this marriage dissolved and separate our lives.

I hate that he has done this.

I hate that I feel like he isn't being held accountable.

I hate that she isn't being held accountable. 

I hate that two people that I once trusted have completely torn my life apart.

I hate that I question everything about my marriage.

I hate that I am still hurt by all of this.

I hate that he is seemingly un-phased by all of this.

I hate that I'm still dealing with all these emotions.

I hate that one day I'm fine and the next I'm not.

I hate that I don't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.

I hate that it is near impossible to get hold of him (trust me I wouldn't if I didn't have to).

I hate that he takes forever to respond to any of the things that I need to get this over and done with.

I hate this roller-coaster.

I hate that I cry.

I hate that I cry at work, in the grocery store, in my car, at home, wherever.

I hate that SO MUCH music reminds me of him, or us.

I hate that this affect others as well.

I hate that I love him.

I hate this whole situation.

I hate hate.

I know that I'll be OK. I know that it takes time. I know.... karma. I know all these things. 

But I know that these are all the emotions that I'm feeling right now and I know that I am hurting. And I know that there is nothing anyone can do or say that will make it any better. 

Ride the ride. Sharp turns and all.

Getting Unmarried

My divorce was final on November 7th. It went by without much fanfare. I went to dinner with my parents and some dear friends. Mexican food, my fav! We toasted to new beginnings.

But how do you go about getting unmarried? There is so much prep and pomp and circumstance in getting married in the first place. Is getting unmarried basically receiving the official divorce papers in the mail? I feel like when you are getting unmarried you are basically erasing the person you planned to love, until death parted you, from your life.  All the memories, pictures, things collected along the way are all sorted into piles - burn, deal with later, Goodwill, trash, etc. It all seems so sad.

But is it? This is the part that you get to rewrite your "happily ever after". This is the part where you get to find yourself again. Learn who you really are, or at least become reacquainted with her (or him). I'm reading a couple books right now and I came across this wonderful quote in one of them;
"More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies." I reread it several times, I will not hide the jewel of who I am! I will not let my sparkle be dulled! I will not mask my imperfections, I am who I am, if you don't like it, don't let the door hit ya! You have to love yourself before anyone else can. I am loving myself again.

Rewriting your happily ever after takes time. I'm still healing. I'm still crying, though way less than I was. I am still hurting. But I am dealing with it. Yes, I miss the man I married. I miss the companionship. I miss a lot about him. I get lonely. But I'm healing. I'm making myself whole again and that also takes time.

The Christmas season is upon us and I am having a hard time getting into the spirit. I want to ho-ho-ho it up but my bah-humbug keeps creeping in. I've always loved this time of year and I know ultimately I will end up embracing it, I mean I have been watching the Hallmark Christmas channel after all. I have even bought Christmas presents. I've dipped my toe in the Spirit of Christmas I just haven't' committed to the full on swan dive. I know in the end I will jingle all the way into the new year. I will celebrate new beginnings and new happily ever afters.

I do. I did. I'm done. 

Cheers to rewriting my happily ever after.

Two wolves

In the aftermath of an incredible injustice done to his people, an old Cherokee chief told his granddaughter that he felt like there was a fight between two wolves going on inside of him. One wolf was hostile, filled with hate, anger, resentment, superiority, and ego. The other wolf was filled with goodness, love, peace, hope, compassion, and faith. His granddaughter thought about this for a moment, and then she asked him, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one I feed.”

I have definitely been struggling between the two wolves. Thankfully, the wolf with anger and hate is not a wolf that I much care for. It's the other wolf I choose to feed. I have faith that I will get through this. Faith that I will be stronger and happier. Hope that someday I will find my actual prince but I also know that I don't need one to make me happy.

I've been at the low point on this roller coaster ride for about a week now. 

It's funny how one minute you're just plugging along, feeling pretty good and then suddenly without warning you are back to sad & heartbroken with a side of anger. I have been really trying to work on me. I've lost a few pounds. I have made my bedroom a sanctuary. My house is becoming mine. I'm keeping myself busy. I am focusing on me.

Let's touch back on the weight-loss for a quick second. First of all, for the most part it's going pretty well. I really enjoy eating healthy. Since it's just me that I'm "cooking" for it's pretty easy. And nobody is there to sabotage me (he did plenty of sabotaging). But when that low point of the roller coaster comes, healthy eating is tough! All you want is comfort food. Pretty much carbs. Oh, and gravy. And more carbs. I really need to find a healthy comfort food. Is that even out there? I suppose it is a mind set. I guess I need to reset my mind to find healthy food comforting. Hmmm...

The other thing that I have been thinking about is how completely ridiculous it is that my STBX had an 8 year affair. EIGHT! SMH! I feel really jilted. On so many levels. Soooo many levels. There are many things that I wish. But my two main wishes are these; I wish he had talked to me & really told me how he was feeling. I know that communication is hard for him. But I honestly feel had he been honest we could have worked on it -BEFORE the infidelity happened. Secondly, if working on it wasn't an option. Set. Me. Free. He wasn't doing anyone any favors.  Had he been honest, 8 years ago, I would have been going into my 40's single and not heading into my 50's. I feel jilted out of 8 years. They did that. But I digress. My reality is that I am single now. I am the one that has to completely start over. But, I do get to start over and I can write my own happy ending.

The weeks and even months after that life altering day, have taught me lessons of strength and resilience and grace. Starting over is hard. Especially, when you truly thought you were with the love of your life. Luckily, I have never been one to look for my worth in anyone besides myself. I knew who I was before him. Yes, I lost part of that person during the marriage, but that isn't his fault. It just is what it is. Getting to start over, I am going to hold onto all of me and not let any part get lost again. (These are easy words to say, and likely a little harder to actually do.) I do see myself as a capable, strong, and a talented women. I know that I will come out of this for the better. 

As I've said before, I have to ride the roller coaster, feel the feelings and just work through it all. The betrayal is the worst. I question so many things, and I know that I will most likely never have answers. I honestly, don't know how someone is capable of doing this to another person. AND I don't understand a women who would get involved with a man she knows is married. It is completely unfathomable to me. You just can't wrap your head around it. People are assholes. Ride the ride, feel the feelings, and move forward. 

Sister Goddesses

It's interesting when you go through a "plot twist" in life, you really find out who you can truly count on. I've always had amazing girlfriends. Of course as you get older you reach a point where you are able to take stock of those friendships and weed out those who are not resilient enough to stand the test of time. I haven't had to do a lot of weeding out, but I do know the girlfriends that I can absolutely count on. The one's who will drop what they are doing and meet you at the bar for a tequila shot. The one's who will call you every evening just to check in and tell you that you are awesome. The one's who just sit with you because you need the company. The one's who will feed you nachos and listen to your story, and cry with you, and be angry with you. The one's who will eat cheese with you and contemplate your future. The one's who will fly across the state at a moments notice just to be your personal cheerleader because you had a complete melt down. The one's who know you got this and make sure to tell you often so you don't ever feel like you don't. These are the Sister Goddesses that I am truly blessed to have in my life. These are the women that I celebrate. My Tribe is as life-sustaining as the air I breath. 

💋 💕

Every cloud has a silver lining, but every rose has it's thorn!

So, I’ve been home sick now for two days. I have had a lot of time to ponder my current life situation. Besides the obvious, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, there are some silver linings.

• Nobody is telling me to stop coughing!
• I’m not feeling bad for tossing and turning and coughing and wheezing while my STBX is sleeping.
• All the dishes are put away in their proper places!
• Laundry is basically one, maybe two loads!
• I can eat whatever I want! Whenever I want. (I’ve lost 19.something lbs)
• My house stays clean, for the most part. (just don’t stop by today, since I’ve been sick for a few days.)
• I can decorate however I want to. Flower curtains in the living room and girly white frilly curtains in the bedroom.
• I have control of the tv remote!
• I can watch a full Seahawks game without being injured, the game being shut off, or my STBX being a big baby about how it’s always the beginning of the end, even though we’re only in the first 1 minute of the game!
• Bob Marley is back in my life. :)

Just to name a few.

But I have lost a lot. Here come the thorns.

• Sleeping alone. Don’t like it. Yes, I have Molly and while she is comforting, it’s just not the same.
• Garbage. I hate taking it out. And it’s just going to get worse once winter hits. Rain. Rain.
• Nobody is here to talk to about my day. Molly, Sheldon, and Alexa just don’t quite cut it.
• It’s quiet. So there is lots of time to get in your own head. Not always good.
• Companionship. I miss being a couple. (When we were a good couple, the last year or so was tough.)
• Intimacy. It’s just not the same alone. It’s the truth, and I know a lot of you know exactly what I mean.
• When you are sick, nobody is here to ask you if you need anything? Or run to the store for you so you don’t have to go in looking like a hot snotty mess!
• I miss my walking partner.
• I miss my partner period.
• I miss him.

BUT I know this is for the best. I know that there is something fantastic coming around the corner. I know that I will be ok. I will be better than ok. But for now it hurts. For now I’m sad. For now this hot snotty mess is just going to continue on the emotionally sadistic rollercoaster and know that all rides come to an end eventually. Plus, my tribe. I always have my tribe. That in itself is a whole other post.

Unleashed

I’m on a sadistic emotional roller coaster. I found out that my husband of almost 14 years and best friend for more years than I wish to count, cheated on me. But he didn’t just cheat on me, he cheated for 8 years with someone who was once my best friend. The devastation is unreal. My world completely crumbled in a single night. My future, rewritten. How do you move forward? You know the stages of grief? (Shock, denial, depression, anger, sadness, hurt, loneliness, just to name a few.)  You will feel those plus more. The loss is painful, it actually physically aches. It is excruciating at times. It keeps you in bed. When they say heartache they mean it. The sadness and hurt are unbearable. How could this happen? Why would he not just leave? How could he do this to me? Was anything real? How do you do this to someone you love? How did I not see it? Still trying to wrap my head around all of it.

Let’s talk about anger, it’s more like a psychopath level of anger at times. Like in the show Snapped but with Ally McBeal moments. You know when she’d have a sequence play out in her head and not actually in real life...the dancing baby? But in this case with a Snapped twist. It’s fine, most people don’t act on those. But they are really nice to envision when you are in the anger phase, but I try not to stay in this anger stage for too long. Then you may just find yourself on an episode of Snapped….IRL. I think revenge is a brother of anger. You think about all kinds of ways to get revenge. But then you realize you are actually a good person and perhaps the high road is the best path to follow. And maybe pick up dignity and grace along the way because you have those as well. That’s what separates you from the cheaters.

The quiet is so deafening. So incredibly quiet. So you turn on the radio, but you can’t listen to anything you used to listen to because it all reminds you of him. You turn on the TV, but there are so many feels associated with most programs. You settle on HGTV. This is good because you need to make your place “yours” and not “ours”. HGTV will give you ideas. But then Chip and Joanna come on, and they are so fricken cute together! You were cute together. Wait. Were you cute together? Was that real? Here comes anger again. I binge watched Friends from the beginning. I actually enjoyed it, until the lobster episode. Enter sadness. Back to HGTV. Property Brothers! Wait. When did Drew get a girlfriend? Tiny House Hunters it is!!!

Feel your feelings.I appreciate my parents for letting us have feelings. Some people don’t grow up that way. Your feeling are real, you should feel them.  Don’t hold them in. It will help you get through it. Yes, it sucks. Tears come so randomly and at the most unexpected times….it’s the roller coaster. Sobbing happens. A lot. It’s ridiculous the amount of kleenex you go through. And the snot you produce!!  I still don’t understand where all of that comes from. But feel them. It helps with the healing…..so I’m told. I am not healed. I am better, but I still have lots of feelings to still sort through. And so many questions that I have to accept not getting answers for, and do I really want them? I just don’t know. The lack of sleep. That’s wicked. It is getting better, but it’s still not great. It’s hard to sleep in a bed you’ve shared with someone for nearly 21 years.

Create a playlist. With angry songs to get you through. The “I will survive” songs. Listen to it. Cry. Feel. Make another playlist. This one with songs for your “new chapter”. Songs that make you feel good, songs that give you hope, songs that are empowering to you. Listen to this playlist. Feel the feelings, feel empowered and strong. Find your anthem. It will change. It will become a playlist too.

Make the place your own. Shop Amazon. Paint. Embrace pink!! Find your inner Goddess. Find your inner Warrior. Design a tattoo. Lean on your friends. These are women, & men, who will help raise you up. Who will cry with you. Who will hold you. Who will remind you that you are strong. These friends are your TRIBE. They are invaluable. They surround you. They love you. They will help get you through. You can do this. You will blossom. Start writing your future.

💔

Starting Fresh

I was going to create a brand new blog, but why change something that I already have going? However, in light of my recent life "plot twist" I am starting this blog all over with a new look. All previous posts have been deleted. I am starting fresh.

Get ready for an inside look to the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Did I buy a ticket for this ride? I did not, but I am on it. It is happening. So sit back and lets see where this b*tch takes us!

Muah for now!
💋