Two wolves

In the aftermath of an incredible injustice done to his people, an old Cherokee chief told his granddaughter that he felt like there was a fight between two wolves going on inside of him. One wolf was hostile, filled with hate, anger, resentment, superiority, and ego. The other wolf was filled with goodness, love, peace, hope, compassion, and faith. His granddaughter thought about this for a moment, and then she asked him, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one I feed.”

I have definitely been struggling between the two wolves. Thankfully, the wolf with anger and hate is not a wolf that I much care for. It's the other wolf I choose to feed. I have faith that I will get through this. Faith that I will be stronger and happier. Hope that someday I will find my actual prince but I also know that I don't need one to make me happy.

I've been at the low point on this roller coaster ride for about a week now. 

It's funny how one minute you're just plugging along, feeling pretty good and then suddenly without warning you are back to sad & heartbroken with a side of anger. I have been really trying to work on me. I've lost a few pounds. I have made my bedroom a sanctuary. My house is becoming mine. I'm keeping myself busy. I am focusing on me.

Let's touch back on the weight-loss for a quick second. First of all, for the most part it's going pretty well. I really enjoy eating healthy. Since it's just me that I'm "cooking" for it's pretty easy. And nobody is there to sabotage me (he did plenty of sabotaging). But when that low point of the roller coaster comes, healthy eating is tough! All you want is comfort food. Pretty much carbs. Oh, and gravy. And more carbs. I really need to find a healthy comfort food. Is that even out there? I suppose it is a mind set. I guess I need to reset my mind to find healthy food comforting. Hmmm...

The other thing that I have been thinking about is how completely ridiculous it is that my STBX had an 8 year affair. EIGHT! SMH! I feel really jilted. On so many levels. Soooo many levels. There are many things that I wish. But my two main wishes are these; I wish he had talked to me & really told me how he was feeling. I know that communication is hard for him. But I honestly feel had he been honest we could have worked on it -BEFORE the infidelity happened. Secondly, if working on it wasn't an option. Set. Me. Free. He wasn't doing anyone any favors.  Had he been honest, 8 years ago, I would have been going into my 40's single and not heading into my 50's. I feel jilted out of 8 years. They did that. But I digress. My reality is that I am single now. I am the one that has to completely start over. But, I do get to start over and I can write my own happy ending.

The weeks and even months after that life altering day, have taught me lessons of strength and resilience and grace. Starting over is hard. Especially, when you truly thought you were with the love of your life. Luckily, I have never been one to look for my worth in anyone besides myself. I knew who I was before him. Yes, I lost part of that person during the marriage, but that isn't his fault. It just is what it is. Getting to start over, I am going to hold onto all of me and not let any part get lost again. (These are easy words to say, and likely a little harder to actually do.) I do see myself as a capable, strong, and a talented women. I know that I will come out of this for the better. 

As I've said before, I have to ride the roller coaster, feel the feelings and just work through it all. The betrayal is the worst. I question so many things, and I know that I will most likely never have answers. I honestly, don't know how someone is capable of doing this to another person. AND I don't understand a women who would get involved with a man she knows is married. It is completely unfathomable to me. You just can't wrap your head around it. People are assholes. Ride the ride, feel the feelings, and move forward.