Sharp Turn

I hate this whole situation.

I hate that I feel like my whole marriage was a lie.

I hate that he still has power over my emotions.

I hate that I am the one who has had to step up and do everything that has to be done to get this marriage dissolved and separate our lives.

I hate that he has done this.

I hate that I feel like he isn't being held accountable.

I hate that she isn't being held accountable. 

I hate that two people that I once trusted have completely torn my life apart.

I hate that I question everything about my marriage.

I hate that I am still hurt by all of this.

I hate that he is seemingly un-phased by all of this.

I hate that I'm still dealing with all these emotions.

I hate that one day I'm fine and the next I'm not.

I hate that I don't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.

I hate that it is near impossible to get hold of him (trust me I wouldn't if I didn't have to).

I hate that he takes forever to respond to any of the things that I need to get this over and done with.

I hate this roller-coaster.

I hate that I cry.

I hate that I cry at work, in the grocery store, in my car, at home, wherever.

I hate that SO MUCH music reminds me of him, or us.

I hate that this affect others as well.

I hate that I love him.

I hate this whole situation.

I hate hate.

I know that I'll be OK. I know that it takes time. I know.... karma. I know all these things. 

But I know that these are all the emotions that I'm feeling right now and I know that I am hurting. And I know that there is nothing anyone can do or say that will make it any better. 

Ride the ride. Sharp turns and all.

Getting Unmarried

My divorce was final on November 7th. It went by without much fanfare. I went to dinner with my parents and some dear friends. Mexican food, my fav! We toasted to new beginnings.

But how do you go about getting unmarried? There is so much prep and pomp and circumstance in getting married in the first place. Is getting unmarried basically receiving the official divorce papers in the mail? I feel like when you are getting unmarried you are basically erasing the person you planned to love, until death parted you, from your life.  All the memories, pictures, things collected along the way are all sorted into piles - burn, deal with later, Goodwill, trash, etc. It all seems so sad.

But is it? This is the part that you get to rewrite your "happily ever after". This is the part where you get to find yourself again. Learn who you really are, or at least become reacquainted with her (or him). I'm reading a couple books right now and I came across this wonderful quote in one of them;
"More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies." I reread it several times, I will not hide the jewel of who I am! I will not let my sparkle be dulled! I will not mask my imperfections, I am who I am, if you don't like it, don't let the door hit ya! You have to love yourself before anyone else can. I am loving myself again.

Rewriting your happily ever after takes time. I'm still healing. I'm still crying, though way less than I was. I am still hurting. But I am dealing with it. Yes, I miss the man I married. I miss the companionship. I miss a lot about him. I get lonely. But I'm healing. I'm making myself whole again and that also takes time.

The Christmas season is upon us and I am having a hard time getting into the spirit. I want to ho-ho-ho it up but my bah-humbug keeps creeping in. I've always loved this time of year and I know ultimately I will end up embracing it, I mean I have been watching the Hallmark Christmas channel after all. I have even bought Christmas presents. I've dipped my toe in the Spirit of Christmas I just haven't' committed to the full on swan dive. I know in the end I will jingle all the way into the new year. I will celebrate new beginnings and new happily ever afters.

I do. I did. I'm done. 

Cheers to rewriting my happily ever after.

Two wolves

In the aftermath of an incredible injustice done to his people, an old Cherokee chief told his granddaughter that he felt like there was a fight between two wolves going on inside of him. One wolf was hostile, filled with hate, anger, resentment, superiority, and ego. The other wolf was filled with goodness, love, peace, hope, compassion, and faith. His granddaughter thought about this for a moment, and then she asked him, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one I feed.”

I have definitely been struggling between the two wolves. Thankfully, the wolf with anger and hate is not a wolf that I much care for. It's the other wolf I choose to feed. I have faith that I will get through this. Faith that I will be stronger and happier. Hope that someday I will find my actual prince but I also know that I don't need one to make me happy.

I've been at the low point on this roller coaster ride for about a week now. 

It's funny how one minute you're just plugging along, feeling pretty good and then suddenly without warning you are back to sad & heartbroken with a side of anger. I have been really trying to work on me. I've lost a few pounds. I have made my bedroom a sanctuary. My house is becoming mine. I'm keeping myself busy. I am focusing on me.

Let's touch back on the weight-loss for a quick second. First of all, for the most part it's going pretty well. I really enjoy eating healthy. Since it's just me that I'm "cooking" for it's pretty easy. And nobody is there to sabotage me (he did plenty of sabotaging). But when that low point of the roller coaster comes, healthy eating is tough! All you want is comfort food. Pretty much carbs. Oh, and gravy. And more carbs. I really need to find a healthy comfort food. Is that even out there? I suppose it is a mind set. I guess I need to reset my mind to find healthy food comforting. Hmmm...

The other thing that I have been thinking about is how completely ridiculous it is that my STBX had an 8 year affair. EIGHT! SMH! I feel really jilted. On so many levels. Soooo many levels. There are many things that I wish. But my two main wishes are these; I wish he had talked to me & really told me how he was feeling. I know that communication is hard for him. But I honestly feel had he been honest we could have worked on it -BEFORE the infidelity happened. Secondly, if working on it wasn't an option. Set. Me. Free. He wasn't doing anyone any favors.  Had he been honest, 8 years ago, I would have been going into my 40's single and not heading into my 50's. I feel jilted out of 8 years. They did that. But I digress. My reality is that I am single now. I am the one that has to completely start over. But, I do get to start over and I can write my own happy ending.

The weeks and even months after that life altering day, have taught me lessons of strength and resilience and grace. Starting over is hard. Especially, when you truly thought you were with the love of your life. Luckily, I have never been one to look for my worth in anyone besides myself. I knew who I was before him. Yes, I lost part of that person during the marriage, but that isn't his fault. It just is what it is. Getting to start over, I am going to hold onto all of me and not let any part get lost again. (These are easy words to say, and likely a little harder to actually do.) I do see myself as a capable, strong, and a talented women. I know that I will come out of this for the better. 

As I've said before, I have to ride the roller coaster, feel the feelings and just work through it all. The betrayal is the worst. I question so many things, and I know that I will most likely never have answers. I honestly, don't know how someone is capable of doing this to another person. AND I don't understand a women who would get involved with a man she knows is married. It is completely unfathomable to me. You just can't wrap your head around it. People are assholes. Ride the ride, feel the feelings, and move forward.